Why Your Words Are So Difficult for Me: Connection-Focused Conversations to Untangle Complicated Relationships (Revised and Expanded Edition)

Author Park Jae-yeon · Publisher Hanbit Life · Published 2026-07-25 · ISBN 9791124656037

About the Book

Features of the Revised Edition

Latest Examples with Conversations We Need Now
This edition newly includes up-to-date examples of recurring conflicts in relationships with colleagues, family, and romantic partners. By incorporating psychological theories, it helps readers naturally understand why the same words can cause hurt and misunderstandings.

Learn Conversation for Relationship Change in 5 Stages
Starting with conversations that break relationships, the book guides readers to learn conversations that connect, practice listening and speaking, and then progressively master conversations for refusing, expressing gratitude, and mediating conflicts. It goes beyond mere understanding, providing a systematic way for anyone to learn conversations that can transform relationships, ready for immediate real-life application.

'Connecting Conversation Practice' for Application, Not Just Reading
Throughout the book, various 'Connecting Conversation Practices' are included to allow immediate application of what has been learned. Use it as a workbook to reflect on your own conversations alone, or practice with a partner, family, friends, or colleagues to transform your relationships.

'Conversation Diagnostic Test' to Identify the Starting Point of Your Conversations
Take the newly included 'Conversation Diagnostic Test' in the revised edition to first assess your current conversational habits. Understanding your current conversation style before reading the book will help you clearly identify areas that need change and begin personalized practice.

From the Book

In this book, I will not attribute the reasons for conversational failure to our character. I will attribute it solely to our 'momentary thoughts.' And not just thoughts we've had for a long time, but automatic thoughts that pop up unconsciously, without our knowing, are what lead to conversational failure. _30

It's not always the case that articulating automatic thoughts in conversation invariably leads to arguments or discomfort with others. However, if we engage in conversation believing our automatic thoughts to be true, we are likely to live by familiar habits rather than consciously recognizing and expressing what we truly want. _45

Jeffrey Young says this: We have core beliefs, but we also have an inner 'healthy adult' who can manage them in a healthy way. The moment we realize we've been wearing the colored glasses of belief, we can finally take them off and see things as they are. If there's a belief that feels like it's reading your own story, simply recognizing it means that change has already begun. _67

No life is one where all desires are met. However, we have the power to recognize and care for our own needs. _71

The goal we aim to achieve through conversation training is by no means 'stopping automatic thoughts.' It is precisely 'realizing that I am having automatic thoughts.'
These two are distinctly different. Judging definitively that 'that person is selfish' and recognizing 'I am currently judging that person as selfish' are entirely different. The former labels the other person's very existence as 'selfish,' while the latter clearly recognizes that it is, after all, 'my subjective thought.' _101

When we return to observation instead of debating who is right or wrong, or judging and blaming each other, we can finally face the situation and the other person as they are. Only then can we discover each other's hidden needs and feelings, and furthermore, seek wise alternatives to peacefully resolve conflicts. _108

Listening is clearly one of the most wonderful ways to understand people. Happy and beautiful relationships involve both someone who speaks honestly and someone who listens well. When we lend an ear to someone's words, friendships and love, though invisible, clearly come into being. The ability to see what is invisible is possible when we approach with a curious mind and an empathetic attitude. _188

When anger arises, we either blame it on the other person and demand things, or conversely, we excessively take on others' emotions. Either way, the moment we shift responsibility for emotions to each other, the conversation devolves into coercion. As long as we seek the cause of our emotions in the other person, we become engrossed in anger and cannot stop trying to subdue or change the other person.
In the face of intense emotions like anger, what we need is not to analyze and solve their cause. It is to quietly look inside ourselves to see what is crying out, what need lies at the root of that emotion. _257

Through requests, we can experience deeply connected relationships. A request does not reveal incompetence; it also presents the other person with an opportunity to live humanely. It can also be an opportunity to show a human, rather than perfect, side of ourselves. Humans have a desire to use their abilities for others. _276

When making a request for an action from someone, it's crucial to remember that it is "to fulfill my own needs." If you think about it, very few people wish for others to fulfill their needs out of obligation or reluctantly. We want others to willingly and sincerely do something. The more we want this, the more we need to recognize that our request is ultimately "asking someone for a specific action to satisfy my needs." So, the other person is using their time, effort, and heart to do something for my needs.
Therefore, with what attitude should we make a request to make the other person want to fulfill it? It is with an attitude of respect and humility. _291

Refusal is an expression of not accepting the action requested by the other person, and at the same time, it is an expression of the will to continue the relationship. The wish to maintain the relationship while not performing the desired action might sound contradictory. However, this is quite possible in strong relationships where people are deeply connected. In fact, the more deeply connected people are, the more likely the relationship can be maintained even if not all requests are granted. _344

Those who can acknowledge themselves can also develop the power to acknowledge others in the same way. It is important to remember that acknowledgment is not only given externally but can also be fulfilled from within oneself. _374

Gratitude helps form deep relationships and elicits emotional support from others. It is also related to the willingness to forgive someone. Everyone has memories of their resentment softening the moment they recall something they were grateful for about someone they disliked. _385

People who frequently feel and express gratitude experience an enhancement of their self-worth and self-esteem. Negative emotions like anger, grief, and greed soften, and an individual's positive attributes are activated. And the habit of recalling things to be grateful for allows one to more deeply savor the good things experienced in life. _385

Table of Contents

Revised Edition Prologue. Again, to You
Prologue. Learning Conversation Anew
Structure of This Book
A Request
Record My Resolution

Chapter 1. What Kind of Conversation Makes Relationships Painful? - Elements of Disconnecting Conversation
Automatic Thoughts: The Swamp That Leads to Conflict the More You Talk
Cognitive Errors: Judgment Structures That Make You Think Strangely Even in Identical Situations
Core Beliefs: Hardened Thoughts That Manifest as Personality

Chapter 2. What Kind of Conversation Makes Relationships Happy? - Elements of Connecting Conversation
Awareness 1. Observation: Describing What You See and Hear
Awareness 2. Sensations and Emotions: Important Signals Felt in Body and Mind
Awareness 3. Core Needs and Values: The Decisive Driving Force Behind Our Conversations and Actions
Awareness 4. Requests and Demands: Distinguishing Between Peaceful and Violent Approaches
Awareness 5. Self-Awareness Process: The Silent Inner Conversation You Have First

Chapter 3. Listening Practice for Responding to Others' Words
Empathizing: Listening with Empathy to Others Who Have Different Needs and Values
Understanding: Using a Translator to Understand Uncomfortable Words While Listening
Interpreting: Healthily Interpreting Critical Texts and Comments

Chapter 4. Speaking Practice for Expressing Your Feelings
When Angry: Understanding and Expressing Why You Feel Such Pain
When Making a Request: Clearly Knowing the Reason for Your Request Before Asking
When Apologetic: Confessing to the Other Person Your Regret and Changed Behavior

Chapter 5. Sharing Practice for Healthy Relationships
Handling Refusal: Maintaining a Reciprocal Relationship While Giving and Receiving Refusals
Mediating: Intervening in Conflict Situations to Connect Both Parties' Feelings
Sharing Gratitude: Sharing Thankfulness and Acknowledging Abilities

Epilogue. Today, to One Person
Index of Terms in the Book
References
Appendix | Conversation Diagnostic Test