I decided to love myself in the time I would have spent hating you: How to protect yourself without being swayed by relationships

Author Yoon Seojin · Publisher Smallbiglife · Published 2024-11-11 · ISBN 9791191731712

About the Book

Changing the subject to 'I' makes relationships easier.

Think back to how you came to dislike someone. At first, you tried to get along with them, but a small tone of voice or action left a knot in your heart. You might have thought, 'It could just be that,' and tried to get along again, only to be disappointed when they repeated the same behavior, and the things you disliked about them accumulated one by one. Eventually, their every move started to annoy you, and every word and action of theirs seemed unpleasant. In severe cases, the suspicion might even arise, 'Are they deliberately trying to torment me?'

The author boldly draws a red line through this 'chain process of dislike' and advises us to go back to the beginning. And then suggests asking a new question. Instead of asking, 'Why did that person act in a way that hurt my feelings?' they propose changing the subject to 'I,' asking, 'Why did I get upset by that person's actions?'

The author states that to avoid being a 'subordinate' in relationships, one must establish 'one's own standards' for relationships and directly communicate them to the other person. Of course, 'one's own standards' here are not 'selfish standards just for oneself,' but rather 'minimal boundaries' that one does not want to be infringed upon by others. If you first understand 'your own sensitive and vulnerable parts' and then communicate them to others, you can significantly reduce unnecessary conflicts and friction arising from relationships. It's a surprising phenomenon where relationships that were blocked begin to flow smoothly, simply by understanding your own heart and communicating what you've learned to others. Let's apply the author's magical prescription – that only by loving yourself first will others recognize and consider you – to your life. The stress level of the relationships around you will gradually begin to fade.

Only when I love myself will good people come into my life.

Broadcaster Shin Dong-yup once spoke about the 'standard of a good person' on his personal YouTube channel.
"People ask these questions when they want to meet a good match: 'What kind of person should I meet to be happy?' 'What kind of person is a good person?' But I think all these questions are wrong. Because what's important in a good relationship is not knowing 'others' but knowing 'myself.' If you want to have a good relationship, you need to know what kind of person you are first."

We fall into the belief that there is a 'universally good person,' seeking advice from others on the standards of a good person, and wandering in search of such a person. However, as Shin Dong-yup says, there is no universally valid standard for a 'good person.' A good person for others is not necessarily a good person for you. For some, a person who approaches them intimately from the first meeting might be a good person, while for others, a person who approaches them gradually, keeping an appropriate distance, might be a good person.

Just as you need to know your body shape to buy clothes that fit perfectly, you need to understand your preferences, personality, and sense of distance to have the discernment to choose people who suit you well. If you want to meet good people, let's start by studying 'the body shape of your heart' through this book. By understanding the nature of your heart and the directions it desires in advance, you can avoid being easily swayed by people who don't suit you, and you can approach people who do suit you with more courage.

Pruning is also necessary between people.

The final stage for maintaining good relationships is 'to boldly distance yourself from people who don't work out, despite your efforts.' We must acknowledge the following truth of life: "There are people who don't suit me, and sometimes there are people who are harmful to me." Even friends you've known for decades since childhood can grow apart as time passes and their paths diverge. Among the countless relationships we encounter in life, how many can truly last a lifetime? That's why the author of this book says that a good relationship is not one that has lasted a long time, but one that makes you feel comfortable and happy in the present.

Just as we prune trees, we also need the resolve to deliberately cut off the 'rude people' branches that disrupt the balance of our lives. Of course, you will feel pain when you cut off a thick branch, and a wound will remain for a while. But over time, once the wound has healed to some extent, you will realize that the decision you made back then allowed nutrients to be evenly distributed to all branches, enabling the tree to grow wider and greener. If you still find it difficult to distance yourself from someone or cut off a relationship, refer to the 'art of distancing' the author has included in this book. You will be able to gradually erase the person who was tormenting you from your life.

Table of Contents

Foreword - Only when I love myself will others love me

Chapter 1 Encounters are destiny, relationships are effort
Don't be the only one who gives and gets hurt
Those who know how to lean are stronger
Introvert's relationships vs. extrovert's relationships
Nothing changes if you don't move
Relationships that fight well last longer
There is no relationship where only one side has problems
Trust grows with time
There is no moment when everything is perfect

Chapter 2 Don't try to be a good person and become an easy person
Don't strive to satisfy everyone
Feel confident and express firmly
The reason why you're uniquely tired only when you meet 'that person'
Stop relationships where only you are putting in effort
Don't put other people's trash in your pocket
Rudeness is a sign of an anxious mind
Keep boundaries even with close people

Chapter 3 Relationships don't improve by enduring
Long-term acquaintances are not always lifelong connections
Relationships need a break
Refusal is just an opinion
Sacrifice is a choice, not giving up
Good relationships don't make you confused
Hidden anger eventually reveals itself
Reasons for feeling lonely even when together

Chapter 4 I decided to love myself instead of hating you
There's no one you dislike for no reason
Love yourself first before hating others
Don't hand over the reins of your life to others
The reason why you fight over the same issue every time
Good relationships come when you're okay on your own
Some irritations are created by your own mind
Don't define yourself by others' words
I could be wrong, often

Chapter 5 No one matures without scars
You must cut off the tail of your thoughts to live today
My only competitor is myself
People grow through goodbyes
If you see the end, do your best now
Those who handle guilt wisely grow
Live well, that is the best revenge
You must be the kindest person to yourself