I want to die but I also want to eat tteokbokki.

Author Baek Se-hee · Publisher Heun · Publication Date 2018-07-09 · ISBN 9791196394509

About the Book

"It's okay, a person without shadows
cannot understand light."

When we're going through a tough time, we kill ourselves one more time. We hate ourselves for struggling, so we dismiss our depression as being overly dramatic, and we self-censor even in the face of sadness. In the midst of all this, we worry about what others think, and then we blame ourselves again. Eventually, we get exhausted and fall into apathy.

"I think of myself as weak, and I feel like everyone else knows about that weakness. Even when I try to act confident, I feel like my inner weakness will be exposed. I'm afraid of looking bad. But actually, no one has ever looked down on me; I was the one looking down on myself the most."

"That's a kind of self-punishing urge. Even when you're angry, you immediately feel like you've committed a sin. It's because you've built up an idealized version of yourself by borrowing what seems better from here and there. You want to become a person who meets some absolute standard. But when you're going through a tough time, you are unequivocally the one struggling the most. That's not bad or selfish."

There is no such thing as an overly dramatic sadness in the world. And there's even less reason why your sadness needs to be validated by someone else. So, it's okay for us to speak up. To say that the sudden freedom and choices are scary and overwhelming, that in truth, I am depressed.

"What do I want?
I want to love and be loved.
Comfortably, without doubt, that's all."

We want to love and be loved, we want to live a life with more good things than bad, and we want to know how to not hurt ourselves. Even when we face failure, we want to look towards a better direction. We suffer simply because we don't know how.

The author always suffered from an unidentifiable thirst and emptiness and needed to connect with people similar to herself. So, instead of searching for such people, she decided to become one herself. She decided to wave her hand vigorously, saying, "I'm here." Hoping that someone similar would recognize her gesture and come closer to find comfort together.

Why are we depressed? The reason is obvious. Because we want to live better, because we don't want to be in pain. Depression is based on hope. Without hope, one cannot even grieve. We hope this book will instill the belief that even if your day isn't perfect, it can be okay, and that life is about being able to laugh even at the smallest thing, even after being depressed all day. As long as we don't give up, we will continue to live, laugh, and cry.

Table of Contents

Starting: Why do I feel empty when nothing special is happening?

Week 1: Just a little depressed
Week 2: Am I a compulsive liar?
Week 3: I monitor myself
Week 4: The desire to be special is not so special
Week 5: That darn self-esteem
Week 6: How do I get to know myself well?
Week 7: Defining, judging, disappointing, and leaving
Week 8: Finally, medication side effects
Week 9: Excessive appearance obsession and histrionic personality disorder
Week 10: Why do you like me? Even like this? Even like this?
Week 11: I don't feel pretty
Week 12: At the bottom of my heart

Concluding: It's okay, a person without shadows cannot understand light
A psychiatrist's note: Imperfection to imperfection
Appendix: The positive function of depression